Reflections —- One Year Later

Hi all

Shit this is not how I was supposed to start ………………… 😦 darn it ever since I became CR I have been so much into sending mails at the end of virtually every hour that this is how I start any of my written correspondences. As a souvenir to this irritating trait of mine I shall not edit the opening of this one .

After one long year , in the words of Sylar “I am back”, though not with any kind of malevolent plans to inflict pain on the world but rather to “get back into the loop” so as to speak.  Many of you might wonder ( or maybe not, after all my blog entries are not Harry potter stories that people wait for with frenzied anticipation 😛 ) why I have been dormant for the last 1 year. To tell the truth so much was happening to me at that point in time, so many awful and rapidly changing things one after the other that I was simply overwhlemed and felt lost in life. I had simply lost my confidence as I was trying to emulate the wrong people and pursuing the wrong values in life with no sense of self- enlightenment. When I look at myself back then and now, I am downright appalled and embarassed as to what kind of a scumbag I had reduced myself to.

I had taken up Electronics and Communication Engineering in IIIT, without thinking for a moment that I had never been able to make my peace with Physics during the entire +1 and +2, the basic foundation of all electronics. Consequently all EC subjects in the first year were hell for me …………….  barely managed to scrape a D in Electronics Circuits as well as Electrical Science in the second semester. So as the first year of college came to an end and we were going home on a 4 month vacation, I suddenly started thinking what the hell I was doing in IIIT ? I did not like what I was going to study for the next three years and which would form the basis of the work that I was going to do further in my life. Believe me studying something you don’t enjoy tortures you to limits you just can’t imagine. It clouds your thoughts with self doubt and a sense of worthlessness, my self-confidence began to lower each passing day and suddenly being in IIIT felt like being in a prison, something I never thought would happen.  They say “vinash kalya vipreet budhi” exactly what happened to me as I did not even apply for a branch change at the end of first year. Maybe things would have worked out quiet differently had I done so. I shall always repent this decision of mine.

I started wondering whether I had opened the floodgates for my own personal hell the day i decided to opt for non-medical without seeing where my own interest lay, but blindly following the road “more travelled by”.   And even now I feel strongly that this is indeed the case.

As you might know from my previous entry, I was also down with a serious leg injury about an year back that could have resulted in me coming under the doctor’s knife. Being on bed rest for one week when the whole college was immersed in the Felicity also upset me alot ………… being alone in the room for hours when people outside were dancing and roaming about having fun ……

Well as they say time is the greatest healer and I am no exception ……… with time I got over my low self-confidence. Whats done was done and it was now time for damage control. I am on it. I still see a blank in front of me when I think of what I will do after my B.Tech ends …………… I still have doubts and I still hate Electronics, but I battle in the hope that my struggle with the very thing I hate will help me find my true calling someday. Exactly how even I do not know but I have faith ( and a blind one at that ) …….  A lot has happened in the past semester that I would have loved to share on this blog.   But its all in the past now …………… its time to let bygones be bygones and turn over a new leaf.  I just hope I am able to survive these 3 years here ……… and some fine day out of the blue God lets me know what to do ahead in life.

With this “returning” blog entry I once again enter the blogging world actively. This one had to be  sad and emotional for I felt like sharing the reason for my long absence and my feelings during that time. But keep coming back regularly for more interesting articles ………..

Cheers                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Aditya  Sood

Shit i wasn’t supposed to end it this way either   ….. its not Students mail !!!!!   :O